Some Witty Quotes

Many a true word hath been spoken in jest.
-- William Shakespeare, King Lear

A light heart lives long
-- Shakespeare

Most people die at 25 and aren't buried until they're 75.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Creditors have better memories than debtors.
– Benjamin Franklin

It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake.
 – Mark Twain

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--  Winston Churchill

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh. Otherwise they'll kill you.
-- Oscar Wilde

If there were an afterlife, Isaac Asimov would have written a book about it by now.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
-- Winston Churchill

When I came back to Dublin I was court-martialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
-- Brendan Behan

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
-- H. L. Mencken

When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary.
-- William Wrigley Jr.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte

Buying books would be a good thing if one could also buy the time to read them
-- Arthur Schopenhauer

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
-- Mae West

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
-- Emo Phillips

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
--  Winston Churchill

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
-- Jack Nicholson

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
--  Dave Barry

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
--  Emo Philips

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
-- Groucho Marx

If your plan A doesn't work, don't worry. The alphabet has 25 more letters.

Nun: Sister Augustine believes in things that aren't real.
Dr. House: I thought that was a job requirement for you people

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative
- Winston Churchill.

War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
-- Bertrand Russell

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- Irvin S. Cobb

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
-- Count Talleyrand

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
-- Voltaire

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
-- Proverb

Don't spend all your money on a safe.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday
-- Don Marquis

You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish. Unless you play bass.

Anyone who told you that you should be yourself gave you the worst advice you've ever received.
-- Billy Wilder.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot.And suppose you were a member of congress. But, I repeat myself
-- Mark Twain.