THUS SPAKE SATAN
Dateline: The Twilight Zone
The Devil
His face looked like a traffic signal gone bust
-- red lights flashing
His eyes are like a pair of searchlights
that goes right through you
His head sports a pair of glistening horns
sharper than a surgeon's knife
His tail swishes rapidly like a sharp lash
when he is excited, or thinking hard
or angry
His name is Satan, the reputed evil incarnate of the world. He has, in fact, many aliases: Lucifer, Fallen Angel, but people simply call him the Devil. That's OK. He likes to be famous. They also call him the Horny One. He likes that one too. "They don't call me the Horny One for nothing," he likes to boast, his tail a-swishing.
*
The Iron Lady
She's unflappable.
She's tough as nails.
She's been through hard times:
wars, revolutions, genocides, riots
And she's got scars to show for it
And that's not all
She's been at the scene
of grisly murders, road carnage,
suicides, bombings -- you name it.
But nothing shocks, nothing unnerves her
She's a press persona - a chronicler of the passing show. They call her the "Iron Lady of Journalism" but she laughs off the sobriquet: "The only Iron Lady I know is the owner of the hardware store at the street corner," she used to tell her admirers laughingly. People also say she's cold -- cold as steel. "Don't believe them," she shoots back with a grin, "butter certainly does melt in my mouth."
*
Special invitation
She was here by a special invitation from the Devil himself due to her reputation as a tough and fair-minded journalist -- someone who tells it like it is.
*
The press conference
"Ah, the Iron Lady," Satan greeted the journalist. "Great to see you here ma'am. Welcome to the Twilight Zone. I had asked for your presence because the guru and his toadies are spreading so much lies about me and God, and everyone else here, that I felt I must speak out in defense to save our honor and reputation," he said.
"OK, I'm all ears, shoot!" said the Iron Lady playfully, grabbing her pencil and notebook. (Tape-recorders don't work in the Twilight Zone)
Lies, lies and more lies
The Devil got down to business.
"We are the creatures that the guru concocted out of his own feverish imagination. Our world is a projection of the guru's turbulent and meandering mind. Although he's dead and gone -- and let me assure you his so-called spirit is nowhere around here -- his liveried servants in white robes are keeping us alive by telling brazen lies and tall stories about us, especially about me and my friend God.
First lie
"For instance, they blame me for what's supposed to have taken place at the Garden of Eden. They say I was the one who disguised himself as the serpent and made Eve seduce Adam, and for everything else that followed," the Devil claimed. "In fact, I was behind the apple tree and watched the exciting show," he said, pretending to drool. (Guffaws all around.)
"Also, in fact I was the one who stole and swallowed the apple," he mockingly confessed, pointing at the protruding lump in his throat. "Believe me, it's my apple now, not Adam's" he joked. (Guffaws continued.)
The second lie
The second lie is that I'm supposed to be a fallen angel. Imagine that! Truth is, although I was never drunk, I did trip and fell once and bumped my head. That's when my two horns sprouted up. Now they call me the Horny One. Not that I mind." (More guffaws.)
The Iron Lady looked amused but said nothing.
And the next
"The next lie was that I'm said to be behind everything that is evil on this earth," Satan continued. "As a human yourself, I'm sure you know that humans don't need us to teach them how to rape, murder, commit genocide and start wars. I'm sure humans are naturally and fully capable of that kind of behavior.
"In fact, I'm sure you know that I, or for that matter, anyone of us here, have never done anything like that. Nor, for that matter, are we capable of it, unfortunately (Devil comically acts crestfallen). You see, our imaginary nature makes us innocent of all the lies the gurus and their bootlickers tell about us. Truth is, we are not even capable of moving a single strand of downy hair from a baby's head. And yet people blame me and God for everything that goes wrong in your world," the Devil complained.
A bum rap!
The Iron Lady agreed. "I know it's a bum rap! In my more than a decade of being on the frontline of wars, genocides, and gruesome murders I've seen only humans who butcher one another in the name of all kinds of ideologies and beliefs, religious or political. I didn't see or could I think of any spooky being who could be behind it."
"Exactly," said Satan. "Human mendacity," Satan added. The Iron Lady smiled. "Back home we call it bullshitting," she chimed in. Satan laughed at the bluntness and added:."They can say anything bad about me but let me say this about God: He's innocent and absolutely harmless, just like the rest of us here. In fact, God is the coolest cat this side of the universe," Satan said.
"God is the coolest cat this side of the universe"
"He speaks very little and detests humans since so much falsehoods have been spoken about him. But my friend God maybe has a few things to say about himself," said Satan prompting God and turning to a seemingly empty spot next to him. When the journalist looked perplexed Satan pointed out that God is invisible and immaterial because that's how the guru had created him.
Then God spoke: "First let me make this clear and repeat what my friend Satan has said: I and my fellow beings in this fantasy world don't exist in your real world. The make-believe world and ourselves were created by the guru himself to scare people, deceive them, threaten them, make them praise and obey him and do all his bidding. He shouted himself hoarse, in God's name, demanding that people worship him, love him, and obey him.
A dodgy guru
"He was a cunning, lying, deceiving charlatan who conned the naive and the woolly-headed. And the masses just lap up his lying words. He created me, ascribed fabulous 'attributes' like omnipotence, omniscience, omnipresence etc, put words in my mouth and then start quoting me, chapter and verse, as saying them. He even had his words and some trash written down and called it a "holy book" containing "the word of God" although I've never even uttered a word out there in your real world. Not that I could since I'm just a figment of the guru's mind," God said.
God wants to sue religions
"The guru also said that I created humans and the universe. That's another big lie. I wish I could get a human lawyer and sue the guru's religion and his garbage book for defamation," God continued. "As Satan has pointed out, we are completely impotent. None of us can create, say or do anything in the real world. None of us can even move a downy hair of a baby, as my friend Satan pointed out. We are but the powerless creatures of the guru's fantasy world. Please tell the world the truth," he pleaded with the Iron Lady.
Then God smirked: "I must say though that the fabulous powers attributed to me by the guru sounds great but highly exaggerated," he said. "But then I like it," he added.
As the interview-cum-press announcement drew nearly to a close, the Iron Lady smiled and asked God and Satan what would happen if the masses became wise to the guru's machinations and throw out his religion.
Mythology's the way to go
"We will seek asylum in mythology, the great world of discarded religions. At least we won't be bothered all the time by any gurus and humans," said God. Then he smiled and said: "In fact, we could even have a great time in your world since the names of many has-been gods are on your calendar, in your sciences such as astronomy, and even in your entertainment, sex and business places."
Then the Devil and God bowed, waved goodbye and disappeared into nothing.
