To Haw-Haw Is Better Than To Jaw-Jaw (4)

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Hatchet man
During a slack period, a junior editor (some unkind people call them hackers and hewers) appeared to be absorbed in the "holy book" and holding a red pencil in hand. A friendly colleague smiled at him and remarked: "Nice change from boring politics, disgusting crime, bloody wars and heart-rending disaster stories, isn't it?"

"Uh, uh", said the studious young editor without taking his eyes off the book. "Actually, I'm just trying to see how much the holy book could be edited down. There's a lot of tautology, euphemisms, double entendres, sexually explicit passages, graphic depictions of horrendous behavior -- like newborns being bashed against rocks -- incitement to violence and murder, pandering unrealistic hopes and fantasies -- the list is endless.

"Who knows, I might even end up with just a paragraph or two when I'm through with it!"

*

An irony: We learn bad things from the "good book."

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A word to the wise
There's a saying that we shouldn't discuss politics, football and religion (not necessarily in that order) in order to avoid murder and mayhem. Well said.

One for the wardrobe
A cross-dresser could be someone who had received the wrong laundry bag -- and deciding to keep it!.

The guru knows best
Devotees of religions think with their gurus' brain. This saves a lot of wear and tear on their own brain tissues.
(Inspired by a similar quote on the internet)

Manimals
Man, while looking down on his fellow creatures, is constantly haunted by the striking similarity between man and beast.

It is a well-known fact that humans are the highest of the higher animals.That makes us "manimals." And we thought we were just "sheeples" led by holy shepherds wielding hooks and using sheep dogs to keep us on the straight and narrow.

Carnivores
Some people seem to think hamburgers, sausages and roast chicken grow on trees. Nice way though to not lose your appetite!

Faith is STD
Religions are sexually-transmitted cultures -- and a disease. We don't choose our religions. They are passed down by our parents who also got theirs from their parents, and so on. It's all in the family tree.

Religions belong to the fiction department. That's a fact.

Up to no good
An irony: You learn bad things from the "good books."

The "holy" books need an unholy skull and crossbones warning on the cover: "Danger -- read it at your own risk. Needs counselling after reading."  They also need a disclaimer: "The characters and events portrayed in this book are mainly a work of medieval fiction and bear no resemblance whatsoever to actual persons or events."
(Inspired by something like that on the web.)

Oh, by the way, there's also a danger you might fall off the chair laughing your guts out.

Godfellas
Bald, toupee-wearing salesmen peddling "miracle hair restorer."

A bum and dog biscuits
A bum was munching some stale, discarded dog biscuits at a garbage dump. When passers-by stared at him, he growled: "Just because it's not fit for a dog doesn't mean it's not fit for a man."

A healthy advice
Keep your body hydrated and your brain oxygenated .

To Haw-Haw Is Better Than To Jaw-Jaw (3)

To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
-- Winston Churchill


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Note: Hope readers realize this is sarcasm.

Wars and alliances
Wars are the last resort in your attempt to force your opponents to STFU.
Alliances are made when small bullies suck up to big bullies and form gangs.
Armed gangs keep in shape by holding "exercises" and occasional gang bangs.
World Wars happen when gang bangs go international.
Peace is when you hold a victory parade with mountains of severed heads lining the route.

Controlling overpopulation
Wars are a great partner to natural catastrophes and normal deaths since they help greatly to reduce overpopulation.

The art of rubble-making
Wars are a great way to reduce cities to a rubble or skeleton buildings so that spanking new modern cities may emerge and keep builders and tenants happy.

Testing WMDs
Wars are also a great way to test the effectiveness of your new-fangled WMDs, never mind if a few thousand innocent civilians become "collateral damage". If the weapons need some tweaking, why, just tweak it and try again --  and kill a few thousand more. Tough!

Peaceful coexistence
When weak handshakes and plastic smiles hide the burning desire to reduce the enemy country to an oil slick. 

God-forsaken commander
A commander's first words: "We don't need tanks and planes to fight a war when God is on our side."
The commander's last words: "If God is with us, who can be against us?"
A word to the wise: "God is usually on the side of big squadrons and against little ones."
-- Roger de Bussy-Rabutin

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The most dangerous WMD
Religion is a weapon of mass delusion. It is more dangerous than other kinds of WMDs since it affects billions of people all over the world.

If God created us in his image, why aren't we invisible and immaterial?

When the going gets tough, the meek gets going -- in the opposite direction.

I used to be dogmatic. Now I'm pigmatic.

An open mind: Make sure people don't put garbage in it. (from elsewhere)

Way to go
The way to a man's heart is below the belly button.
(Also came across this on the web some time ago. Seems to be an old saying. Well, great minds sometimes think alike!)

Some like it hot!
Some people like porn while others pretend to dislike it. Still others enjoy it freely and call themselves censors only doing their duty!

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The unkindest cut

Religions don't even leave your family jewels alone.

Heard from a friend:
The young man limped back to his foster parents' home after visiting his biological parents. When the foster mother learned about what had happened, she cried: "They cut off his tiddlywinks. They cut off his tiddlywinks. How could they do this to my boy?" She found some cash in his pocket which they used as a bribe to overcome his resistance to initiate him into their religion.

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"I've found it!"
You don't need to climb mountains, venture into caves, or sit under a banyan tree in a forest to find truth. In fact, truth can even be found in a bathtub! Think Archimedes, think "eureka!"

Worse than snakes
There are animals, and then there are manimals -- the reputed highest of the higher animals. Local wisdom doing the rounds in animal circles say that if you come across a manimal and a snake, bite the manimal first.

Rebirth, reincarnation, life after death
One of the most common bullshit religions foist upon their moronic believers. Listen to the modern primitives  bandying about the "soul" and the "next life," or becoming a previous living being again and many dummies don't seem to have a problem about it. Others just take it as a part of a traditional myth to pay lip service, smile and carry on with the more serious business of life.

Any borrower promising to repay a $1 million bank loan in the next life could either end up under the bus or in a loony bin. Shows banks and religions just don't mix.